Sometimes I think you know me better than I do...

I was talking to someone recently about a phenomenon that happens to all of us, in varying frequencies and magnitudes. Every once in a while, something that seems completely random will show up, in conversation, in an ad that strikes you, on the wall of your doctor's office, that for the next few days, seems to show up everywhere you go.

A recent example in my life is birch beer. I saw it in the fridge at work, after a girl I work with asked what it was. I had never had birch beer, so had nothing to offer her. The next day, I was watching the Food Network, on which they happened to do a segment on... birch beer. So now I knew what it tasted like to some guy on television, but had yet to experience it in person. I left for New York a couple of days later, and while I was there, went to a hole-in-the-wall that specialized in bacon-wrapped hot dogs (don't judge, they're phenomenal). They offered a small selection of fountain sodas, including all of the normals, like some kind of cola, sprite, doctor pepper, and... birch beer. I definitely ordered one. And didn't like it. I think it was just the fact that it came from a syrup and not from a bottle.

Over the past couple of days, another random theme has shown up in my life of a more important nature, and deals in the matter of how we think others perceive us.

Example 1. A good friend (one of my only in Boulder at this point) posted a blog recently that dealt mainly with how he felt the people around him perceived him, inspiring me to leave the following comment:

"One of the most beautiful things about human interaction is the difference in perception.

We present ourselves in a way that we think is consistent with how we perceive ourselves, or at least we hope to, and it is up to the people we surround ourselves with to make up their own interpretations, based on how they perceive us.

When you die, it is most certain that your eulogy won't be the one that you'd say for yourself. But you won't have just one. The day you die, everyone whose lives you've touched will create their own eulogy just for you, and each will be completely different. All you can do is put yourself out there and let the powerful forces of human decision take control and guide their perceptions.

Ultimately, the most important thing is to make sure that you can strip your outer layers off enough so that YOU can see yourself, because it's through understanding yourself that you can help others to truly understand you."

A new entry in his blog references me in a brief, anonymous paragraph:

...She’s waiting on word from people in a large city on the east coast, I’m certain you can induce which one, on whether she’s going to migrate out there and begin her adult, non-university life. This is weighing heavily on all of her decisions, frescoing her conscience of what life might be like, could be like, designing her real possibilities into possible realities where all her dreams just might finally bear colorful and savory fruit...

And so the comment about others perception of us had been immediately reflected, by the person to whom it was directed, in his perception of my life, which happened to be incredibly accurate. And worded much better than I could probably manage.

Example 2. Today I was walking through the mall with a girl that I know is my best friend, and who reminds me of that every time I see her through her amazing ability to say the exact thing I need to hear to put everything in perspective. She was talking about how her sisters perceive her, and how she thinks that it's completely different from how she views herself. She ultimately zeroed in on her inner persona as Audrey Hepburn (which is exactly who I would pick for her). Earlier in the afternoon, I had bought her Christmas present at one of the first stores we went into without her noticing. It was an inspirational life book all about being lovely, based on.... Audrey Hepburn.

And so perhaps true closeness really is achieved through finding someone who sees you exactly how you see yourself, or who can remind you that, no matter how critical you are of yourself, they see you as better than that.

Example 3. When I got home from Denver tonight, I had left up an away message on aim. I had a message from another friend waiting for me when I got home that said:

"Hi Jenners! I just wanted to let you know that you're awesome, and I love you. Hopefully the stressful moments aren't so bad when you remember that there are tons of people out her who think you're great and are proud of you beyond measure."

Perception is a broader field than birch beer I guess... but the past few days have served to lift the cloud that's been hanging over me, looming overhead and reminding me that I'm graduating soon and still don't know what I want from life. No matter where I end up after I walk in May, at least I'll know that I mattered enough to someone for them to form a special interpretation of me in their minds, whether it's accurate or not.